Saddam, Saddam, CAR ON ITS SIDE, Saddam- December 30, 2006 Something odd happened, yesterday evening. I was watching the news (Saddam, Saddam, President Ford, Saddam), and Clare was on the Internet, discussing politics. The city was winding down for the night. I could hear the following: wind rain light traffic Clare typing. It was a calm night, a peaceful night, everything ticking along as it ought. The birds had tucked their heads under their wings. The TV had stopped making that bloody whining noise it does. I was well on my way to sleep. Then,..http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/saddam_saddam_car_on_its_side_saddam.html Silent Night- December 26, 2006 STRETCH-LIMERICK FOR A LAZY CHRISTMAS The party was merry and bright-- The whole bloomin' place was alight! Though, sorry to say I slumbered all day A-snoring (how boring!) When all was so gay-- The cake is all taken, The streamers away-- (In truth, I prefer "Silent Night.")...http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/silent_night.html Not Tonight--I've Got A Headache- December 25, 2006 My window collects fuck yous. It's become de rigeur, it seems, to stand under there and curse. This is best accomplished late at night, when both the oddity and the loutishness of the act are amplified tenfold. FUCK YOU, GORDON First, there was the "Fuck You, Gordon" lady. She stood under my window last year, and swore in a strange tone of voice. Inscrutable, sort of thing. It was impossible to tell whether she was being playful or vindictive. Gordon's response might've dispelled the..http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/not_tonightive_got_a_headache.html Big Red Ghost- December 24, 2006 I told you that corner was haunted.......http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/big_red_ghost.html Limericks for a Shoe-Eating Goat- December 23, 2006 LIMERICKS FOR A SHOE-EATING GOAT I'm not one to knock or pooh-pooh-- The farming life's perfect for you. I'm not one to doubt, But might I point out Your goat has just swallowed my shoe The piglet is famed for his wallowing; The fatheaded sheep, for his following. But I think it's fair to Say none can compare to The goat's indiscriminate swallowing....http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/limericks_for_a_shoeeating_goat.html A Pair of Trousers- December 22, 2006 Observed at a wake, some years ago: An impromptu Red Hat Society meeting has convened round the cheese platter. They're not so much eating cheese as punctuating with it. The ringleader, a long-nosed harridan with mail-order dentures, spears a hunk of Gouda: "Oh! And the Bottomleys' girl--did you see her" "You mean, at the funeral" A lesser crone (squat nose, genuine teeth) makes little circles with a square of Havarti. "Of course, at the funeral." The Wicked Witch..http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/a_pair_of_trousers.html The Unfortunate Professor- December 21, 2006 (The shrewd observer might note that this post has previously appeared on PhaWRONGula. What can I say Us rats get overwhelmed with holiday preparations, too. Also, I have to do the dishes.) THE UNFORTUNATE PROFESSOR There once was a teacher, a scatty old creature, Whose spectacles lived on his head. From morning to night, he looked quite a fright, As if he'd just risen from bed. His trousers were tatty; his notebooks were ratty; His pens were all certain to leak. He bathed every Sunday, but...http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/the_unfortunate_professor.html Vile Bodies- December 20, 2006 CREATURE REPORTS a) I think I'm emerging victorious in the battle of the flies. Last week, I was drowning fifty a day in my vinegar-pot. Today, there were only four. Good thing, too: I'm nearly out of vinegar. b) The garden-mice were back, this morning. I saw one sneaking along the wall when I first arrived, and another ran by later. That one had a twig in his mouth. Queer, that. Do mice build nests c) A dead bird, which had been decaying near the Dumpsters since March, finished disintegrating..http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/vile_bodies.html Noise Report- December 18, 2006 NOISE It wasn't so quiet, this morning. The papers were gone from the road, but there was water in their place. I could hear cars hissing through it. I could hear them all the way from upstairs. A man crossed Burrard, shook the rain out of his hair, and mumbled "fuck, fuck, fuck." That, too, I heard from up here. Later on, I trundled round the block, whistling the theme from Super Mario Brothers. I whistled extra-loudly, but traffic had picked up by then. Probably, nobody heard....http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/noise_report.html In Which I'm Peeved Because Nobody Said Hi- December 17, 2006 6:32 AM No balm have I, no pill or ointment, To palliate my disappointment! I've just come in from a wander round the block. Chilly morning, this--dark, to boot. In summer, the sun's up by this time, and the city's coming alive. Birds squawk. Dogs bark. Old ladies run old-lady errands. I greet the last, hide from the second, and check the first off my bird-list. I like city summers. The sun makes folks gregarious. Everyone says hi when it's sunny. No hi-saying went on today--I'll tell you that..http://www.rattysghost.com/deadrat/buriedrat/in_which_im_peeved_because_nobody_said_hi.htm... |